"The Dragon Within"

The ambition in his eyes was what always attracted me to him. The passion for his work drew me in like a moth to the flame. His insight into himself confused me, as he saw a different Jimmy to anyone else. I wanted to feel like that – I wanted to feel immortal, invincible. I saw the power he drew from his past, his anger living on the surface of his skin, like a mask. This is the Jimmy I saw; tortured, manic, monstrous, yet not. I felt like I could see past that. That I could identify with his pain and suffering. I felt I could be one with him, and share his glory.

“Concentrate on everyone you've ever hated,” he instructed me, as we stood in the darkened room. The fire crackling in the hearth was the only sound other than his voice, and the only light. “Think about every bad feeling you've ever had, and concentrate them into the centre of your body.”

I tried. I thought of all the people I'd grown up with – the let downs, the liars and the leavers. I thought of every time I'd made a friend, just to be forgotten.

“Focus!” he hissed.

He could see my closed eyes flickering, as my thoughts returned to the people I knew now, and how we were using them. My anger subsided for a sense of victory, and my rage was lost to the idea.

“Sorry,” I didn't dare look into his face this time.

“Do you want to be able to do this? Do you want to feel the burn of a thousand stars course through your veins and avenge your broken soul?”

I nodded, a little scared by his intensity, yet, as I managed to look up, excited by his magnificence.

“Try again,” he ordered plainly. “No excuses.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

“Close your eyes. Do you see the flick of the fire through your eyelids?”

“Yes.”

“Good, now concentrate on that. Do you still see it?”

“Yes.”

I saw a shadow move across my eyes, a blindfold tied around my head. “Do you still see it?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“There's something in the way.”

“Good. Now try to see it again.”

“I can't.”

“Try. Frustrate your eyes. Try.”

“I can't!”

“Keep trying,” he whispered sinisterly into my ear.

A moment of quiet passed, the only sounds now were the fire and his footsteps in the darkness.

“Can you see it now?” he remained eerily quiet.

“No.”

“Now close your eyes.” He paused for another moment, “Does that feel better?”

I swayed, falling comfortable now my eyes were resting. I nodded.

“Now picture your anger. It's a ball of red and black fire, burning in the pit of your stomach. In the flames, you see the faces of the people you hate. All of the faces of the people you've ever thought you'd like to harm.”

He took a second, and I pictured the people that had really hurt me. The people that made me who I was now.

“Remember the things you wish you'd never seen.”

I did, and I was terrified.

He proceeded, “Remember the worst moments of your life, and hold them there, at the front of your mind.”

My head was swirling with the memories of my worst nightmares. I could see things I'd almost forgotten about. I could see things I wish I'd never see again. It was so vivid, I felt sick.

“Now push them out. Place them outside yourself. Not too far away, but put them out here with me, in this room.”

I tried, but this was hard. So hard, that he talked for what could have been another hour before I knew how to do it. As one memory was taken out, another popped back in. But eventually I could imagine them all outside myself. My memories, my problems, my nightmares, looked much smaller now. They were separate, and distant.

“Now leave those there, and go back to the fire.”

I remembered the blaze, burning within me.

“Imagine a dragon in there. She rises out of the flames and flies. She is red with pain and anger, and she's everything you've ever wanted to say or do to these memories.”

For a moment, I remembered all the bad things, but I was so entranced by this dragon – so scarily clear and real – that I almost instantly forgot them again.

“Now the dragon grows within you. She gets bigger. And bigger. And bigger. Until she fills your entire body.”

I felt myself puff up, as though I was growing. A part of me knew that this was crazy, that this couldn't be happening, but it was. I knew there was no dragon, but there was. I knew my memories weren't floating around the room, bumping into each other, screaming my life to the world, but there they were, distant to me, out in the universe, living, dying.

“You are the dragon, now. There is nothing stopping you from just blowing your past away with a breath of flame. But you don't want to do that. Open your wings.”

I felt my arms rise. My head tilted back as I felt the glory I'd been craving. My hands remained calmly closed. In my mind, I looked at my wings, saw the scales, the scars, and the strength.

“Can you feel it?”

“Yes.”

“When I count to three, I want you, as a dragon, to concentrate back on your thoughts. Everything that is out here needs to burn in hell. Everything you've ever wanted to forget, needs to be gone in a ball of fire. I need you to pop each and every bubble with your power. Can you do that?”

“Yes.”

“Then do it.”

I took a deep breath and crossed my wings together in front of me. I curled my hands in, to cover my eyes, and bowed my head. I concentrated on all the worst moments of my life, and I sighed. I whispered, “Goodbye,” and with a calm breath out, I released everything I held within. My head and wings threw back, and I felt power I didn't know existed.

The room lit up in a thousand colours, as I opened my eyes to see dancing flames ignite my past. Each little thought blew up and faded, like it never existed. I felt high, like nothing could touch me. The immortality of power. The invincibility of manic expression. Rainbow sparks filled my mind, jumping this way and that, but I never got burned. I felt the heat lapping at my skin, my insides growing cooler and cooler as everything I'd ever held in was released.

A blinding flash stunned me, and that was the end.

*

The room was black again, with only the flickering embers left in the fireplace. I blinked, and a face came into the light.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like I've been shot,” I mutter, my throat dry, and my eyes burning. I lay in a pool of warmth.

He was unsteady, coming in and out of focus. “You did it.”

“I know,” I smile softly, feeling a pain somewhere, but I'm not sure where.

“You're a lot stronger than I thought.”

“Am I?”

“Yes.”

A silent moment passed, where I realised I was lying in his arms. My eyes closed and opened, each time feeling like I'd woken from a nap. I looked into Jimmy's eyes and smiled, “Thank you.”

He just smiled back down at me. He didn't have that crazy look about him. He looked sad. “You're welcome.”

"What's wrong?"

He paused for a moment, "I'm going to miss you."

I strained my head up and gently touched my lips to his. He didn't move.

As my strength gave way, and I collapsed back into his arms, he whispered, “I love you.”

I smiled and blacked out again, knowing that everything had been released. Everything I was for that moment was right. No more running. I knew I was where I needed to be, and I knew I was safe in his embrace. I knew that soon I'd be with him, where we wouldn't have to hide all the time. Where there were no laws, or people chasing us for breaking it. I felt him kiss my forehead as I drifted in and out of consciousness, before falling into a deep sleep, muttering the words, “I love you too.” I knew he'd join me soon.